Bleep, bleep, bleep it’s slipping away.

Sometimes on our journey we take things for granted.
We forget to stop and observe.
We don’t take note of what’s going on around us.
Days turn into weeks,  weeks into months and months into years.

Sometimes the sparkle seems to go out.
Lights seem to dim, flicker then go out.
What do you do in these instances when you’re not sure which way is north or which way is up.

A feeling of gloom overshadows everything.
Slowly, slowly, you hear the ticking of the clock.
Passion and desire for anything and everything fades away.
You’re now existing rather than living and wondering if it’s even worth it.

How does one rekindle the flame.
Who is to blame.
Will it ever be the same.
It’s not how it started, 
It’s not the reason I came…

Diary Confessions – Chapter One

Dear diary, today it happened again.  He waited while she was asleep and then crept into my bed. He did things no grownup should do to an innocent child. I didn’t fight it this time. I laid there in silence and took myself to a happy place; a place where no one could hurt me and place where a little girl’s dream comes true and where dragons are sleighed.  You see diary, you are my only friend. I can trust you. I can write my pain away and confide in you. You never judge me. You don’t tell me that I am wrong, or call me a liar. You don’t make me feel guilty for wanting to be a little girl.

It gets harder each time, but I lose myself and go to a better place. I think at this time I am confused as to which is reality and which is fantasy. I feel good when I fly away. When I get there, I find a mother who loves me and wants to be in my life. I find a dad who chooses me for once and not shirk his responsibilities. I look at the happy children at school and I wish and yearn for their sense of family. No one knows what goes on; I don’t think anyone even cares.

I started my first period during the Easter holidays. Do you know that I am only 10 years old? It was a bit scary at first and I wasn’t sure what to do. I finally told her and you know what she asked? She asked me, “Are you sure you haven’t been with any boys?”  I felt my heart break into a million pieces and what was supposed to be my first experience into womanhood brought me humiliation and shame. How could she even think that at my age? Then again maybe she had good reason. After all every night while she sleeps he comes without fail.

I feel cheap and I feel dirty. Who can I tell? Who will believe me? How long must I endure? If I do say anything, where will I go? I have no one really? No one really cares. I am breaking into a million pieces. These adults sure are blind, or do a great job pretending to be. When I grow up I will never have kids.  If I do I will probably have them on my own so no one can abuse them. I feel so horrible. What kind of person am I? What kind of woman will I grow up to be? I am dirty, I am defiled and not even my mother wants me.

 

Diary Confessions by poeticlibra is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 Unported License.